When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
