He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
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