I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
