I accidentally had phone sex last night
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Randomize