I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize