For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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