I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
