I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
