Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
