Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
