mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
