I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
