If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
