I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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