I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
