i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
