I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
As shirtless as possible
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
