Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
