Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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