I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
