I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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