How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
