I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
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