When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
