a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
