3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
