By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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