you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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