help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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