im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
