Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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