I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Randomize
