im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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