I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
