No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
