I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
