My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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