just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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