It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
