Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
