We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
