You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
