she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Randomize