just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
