I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I just found puke in my bra..
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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