My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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