Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
