my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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