Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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