can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
We are all done wearing pants today
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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