I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Randomize
