Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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