Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
