I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
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