After last night, I could never be a politician.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
