The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
