Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
you didnt know i had herpes?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
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