I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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