I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
The uberlube is also flammable
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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