yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
The power of my boobs compel you
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
