I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I need to calm my uterus...
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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