After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
