I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
