Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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