I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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