I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
