Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
