I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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