I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
